I know it sounds like a shamefully self-indulgent and utterly first-world kind of whinge, but I've been feeling quite bummed out lately. Ye olde familiar and nagging weight of the eternal 'what am I doing with my life?' question, compounded by the deafening crash of doors that I sense are slamming shut to me, on opportunities that I'm becoming too old to pursue. And it's not like new ones are really opening up. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I even had the remotest idea how to respond to, "Well, where do you see yourself in 5, 10 or even 15 years from now?' Crap, I don't even know where I'll be (or want to be) 6 months to a year away, never mind 5 or more. The only desire that's remained constant with me is that I'd like to live in Europe, and even that seems to be dwindling into nothing more than a pipe dream that may never actually materialize, especially the longer it's kept 'on hold'. I try not to be resentful about it since I chose to move to Canada, met and married Lorne here and have since stayed put. But, truth is, there is absolutely part of me that resents it - some days more than others. The more the months and years drift by, the more I struggle with the idea it really might never happen.
I do understand Lorne's hesitations - he doesn't speak a foreign language for a start and his job as an Editor/Colourist for TV/Film is very specialized, perhaps not so easily transferred to, or available in, another country. Besides, he's very good at what he does, he thoroughly enjoys his work and is well recognized for it here. Meanwhile, I spend every day here not doing what I love - i.e. speaking another language; french, german or even mastering new ones. When I'm in Europe I can physically and emotionally feel part of me comes back to life that simply remains otherwise dormant and ignored in my Canada life. A part that I can't - and don't want to - let go of. But what do I do with it? What do we do?
I've suggested Holland or Scandinavia as a possible option if we were to move to Europe (or even Germany for that matter) since they speak such good english anyway, but I'm not sure Lorne can do it. We held off while all of our cats were seniors and in various stages of decline, feeling it'd be too much to put them through. Well, that's no longer an issue - with our current brood all being so young.
We talked more seriously about it in 2008, even discussing whether we would move to Bristol in the UK (where I went to university) as a base for travelling more into Europe. But then came the worldwide economic crash, I was laid off from my job and we decided it best to wait and ride out the recession. And then, last year, breast cancer and all its associated uncertainties came along and the priority became getting that all sorted out and particularly here, where we have access to some of the world's best medical expertise.
So here we are, another 5 years on from our 2008 conversations, and I'm still in a nomadic flux workwise - contracting back at my old job (which is coming up for a year soon) with nothing in line for when this wraps up in a month or two. And what do I even look for after that? The struggle to get motivated about looking for work really wears on me, mentally and emotionally, and completely erodes my self-esteem. I'm not even sure if it's a Vancouver thing, with salaries here being the sh*ts - especially compared to the ridiculous cost of living - and they want a whole wack of high-level expertise and years of experience for even the most entry-level crap. Most job descriptions sound like the work of 10 people for the salary of 0.3.
As you can probably tell, I'm not in the most positive frame of mind these days. In fact this past week I've felt particularly blaaaah! It's coupled with that sense of being mid-forties too, I can't deny that. I just can't wrap me head around my age and feeling like I should surely be on a better career path of some sort by now and at least know just what the f*ck I want to do with my life. I struggle with trying to think what job would I like to do and what can I even expect to get, compared with 'well, it's just a job - use it to pay the bills and don't get so bent out ouf shape about it.' Only I don't have the mental tolerance for complete boredom at work just for the sake of a paycheque. I have to enjoy what I do and get some level of personal fulfillment out of it.
It hasn't helped that I choked down a whole bunch of pride at my present job recently and finally offered up my services on a more permanent level, should there be an opportunity within the Marketing team here. In other words (and if I'm honest with myself) I was offering to prostitute myself back to them and come back full-time if there's an opening. Because really, that's what it would be since I still personally and fundamentally disagree with a lot of what goes on there - their involvement in Alberta Tar/Oil Sands projects, their obsessive lust for developping on greenbelt land and vacuuming up environmentally sensitive areas and animal habitat only to replace it with featureless condos, strip malls and big box Home Depot outlets! Plus the company is SUPER-corporate. I mean nauseatingly, sole-crushingly, Big Brother-like corporate. Working there as a freelancer this past year has graciously spared me that obligation, but going back full time would bind me once more to the suffocating expectation of being 'one of us....one of us.....'.
In my heart of hearts, I know the reason I even suggested being hired back full time was a) for job/financial security (pay's not bad), b) because I really do enjoy the writing, editing, graphic design and marketing I get to do there (even if the architectural/construction subject matter isn't quite my ideal choice) but c) perhaps primarily, because it would be the easy way out and would save me the inevitable and horribly awkward job search.
So, having floated the idea out there to my boss (who's leaving in November to travel the world for three years with her husband....grrrr), I was advised that they hadn't yet decided on just how things/jobs would be moved and reshaped within the Marketing team just yet, but would keep it in mind. Next thing I know, I get not one, but TWO emails - direct to my work inbox no less - from CSMPS (Canadian Society for the Marketing of Professional Services) both are job postings.....for positions at this company.....in Marketing! And so I have my answer! God damn that chunk of pride I'm still choking on!
I guess one person is moving up and they're looking for a replacement Proposal Coordinator (which is the job I used to do when I worked there before and wouldn't particularly want to do again) and they're hiring another, much more junior level (read cheaper) person as Marketing Coordinator. Personally I would have appreciated my boss at least letting me know that, but hey - now that it's in my face, I've been honest with myself about how much of a cop-out it would have been for me anyway. In fact (and I'm really not just saying this), I'd been asking myself more recently if I wasn't just hoping to get hired back because it'd be the easiest option and I'm too lazy/daunted/intimidated and clueless to know what else I should be aiming for anyway. I do feel like I'd be selling myself somewhat short to go back as an employee, even if they did want me to, coupled with a demoralizing lack of faith in finding anything that personally interests, inspires, motivates or challenges me, ideally without destroying the environment, promoting consumerism or harming animals in some way. Is that asking too much?
Anyway, what with that and other stuff 'n' nonsense, I've been thoroughly beating up on myself this past week....or longer. Feeling old, redundant, superfluous, unattractive, indecisive, insecure and generally very mid-frikkin-forties! I should just let go of the whole age thing really, after all it's only gonna get worse. But I think it's not so much the number 45 (okay, maybe it is), but also/rather the fact I don't know where I fit or what to do or where to go. What's more, I resent this horribly unsettling feeling and the way it completely undermines any confidence or self-assuredness I might feel otherwise. Gawd it's like being an adolescent all over again!
I'm alive, I have my health, I have the love of a good man, I live a good life and, on the whole, that all makes me incredibly lucky. And yet, when I feel like this, that whole 'very lucky' shit just doesn't cut it!
Like I said at the beginning of this verbal diarrhea - it's all shamefully self-indulgent and utterly first-world kind of crap. And yes, I do feel guilty for it. Because seriously, what's the use in navel-gazing if you don't add a relentless dollop of guilt to boot?
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