Waiting

Here we are, sitting on the couch, mid-afternoon of a cold, grey & miserable Wednesday. Odd how the weather so accurately reflects the mood around here today too - for some reason I remember an old college lecturer describing that as 'pathetic fallacy' in literature.

Today's waiting is for what we anticipate to be news we've been dreading but have known it's on its way nonetheless - sometimes you just can't stop the freight train. Our eldest and much-loved, wonderfully snuggly and heartwarmingly tactile cat, Kramer is at the vet for an ultra-sound to determine the cause of his intense pancreatitis - and we are not kidding ourselves about the prospect of it being anything but sad news. He's 18, has a variety of health issues - including kidney disease and a heart murmur - all of which has been quite manageable up until now, but the pancreatitis has knocked him sideways and despite an initial round of meds that greatly improved his overall health and well-being, he has since crashed during the last week or so, to the point he won't eat or drink. The most probable cause, which will be determined by the ultra-sound, is a pancreatic tumour - leaving little chance of any miracle recovery.

Until the past couple of days he was still a very happy, super-snuggly and content cat who likes nothing more than to nestle into Lorne as close as he can possibly get, moulding himself right into Lorne's neck or chest. And if Lorne isn't around, I'm honoured that Kramer deems me to be a suitably loving substitute to snuggle into. Never, ever have I seen a cat so full of love and absolute adoration of anyone, but Lorne is truly everything in Kramer's world and it works both ways. And from my side too, Kramer is an absolute treasure, the most unique and tactile cat I ever thought I'd meet. I'm privileged to have shared the past 10 years with him since I first witnessed that magical bond between him & Lorne when we first met in 2001.

And here we are, expecting a call any moment that will give us the definitive answer, even though we are under no illusion that this chapter will have a happy ending. While we've truly done everything we can for him and firmly believe that his welfare - and the welfare of any of our furry family - has always been #1 priority, the hardest part is knowing that, at the end of the day, you are nonetheless powerless to change the inevitable and it becomes a question of how happy is Kramer? Is it fair? Is his quality of life what he deserves? And you know it's bad when even the vet starts crying as she tries to explain. She's a lovely doctor - Dr. Kramer at Vancouver Animal Wellness Hospital - who, perhaps because of her namesake, has a real soft-spot for Kramer. Well, anyone who meets him instantly falls in love with him - how could you not, he's just such a big smooch - and that's just the way he likes it.

I love all our cats - even the two new ones I haven't even  written about yet - and as each one passes another piece of our hearts go with them, hopefully keeping them safe and loved in the next world.

When I lost Lucy in 2009 I physically felt my heart break - deep inside my chest something broke and while it will never completely heal, time has helped make it somewhat 'bearable', mainly because it has to be. The pain slowly filled once more by the overwhleming love and heartwarming fondness of our precious years together.

I am incredibly sad about Kramer and sadder still that Lorne will feel that same level of devastating pain and suffocating sadness that I felt with Lucy.....and not-forgetting Molly and Otto. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but it's testimony to the depth of our unreserved love and amazing bond with these incredible, wonderful and magical animals with whom we are very blessed to share our lives.

Why am I writing this before Kramer has even gone? Because he deserves this while he's still here - a message of our deep love and admiration for being the most extraordinarily loving and endearing cat and for all the sunshine he has brought into our lives. And because it is only in being fair to him, that the kindest thing we can do is to love him enough to know when to let go - and to let go with all the love in the world for our little boy.

We love you Rama.
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