Anal retention?

So a couple of months ago I wrote about my (far-fetched?) intentions of running a half marathon......which actually came and went on May 2nd already. Although I'd paid my $70 to sign up a few months ago and had every intention of doing it and believed I could achieve a pretty decent time, 'twas sadly not to be. The intense muscle cramp/ongoing spasm I was experiencing back then - predominantly in my bum-cheeks of all places and down my hamstring - didn't really improve. Not even with a series of regular visits to my chiropractor, who was convinced that massaging my bum with ultrasound would do the trick and have me sprinting like Penelope Pitstop in no time. The more I tried to run, the more things would seize up and the tight burning sensation from the cramped muscles (not just roasting and 4-alarm-fire sensation from all the tiger balm) would make sleeping and especially sitting, incredibly sore.

I've never had this happen before but I've also never worked such long hours, so frequently - simply nailed to my office chair and breaking only long enough to go pee - as I have in my current job. The excessive workload, crazy-long hours and constant stress are (I'm convinced) making me clamp my butt cheeks so tight that now they're in spasm, unable to relax. Basically I've learned to become so anal retentive in this job (as I'm required to be) and under relentless pressure of deadline after deadline, that - like a hand that becomes a claw - my gluteus maximus muscles have tightly contracted into assus-massivus-krampus and even though I keep trying to go for a run, I still can't make it more than 30mins before feeling bumhurtus-verymuchas kicks in.

If I'm away from the office or get an occasional few days where I'm not having to work 10-14hours, then things actually start to unwind a little and I sit better in my chair since I'm not perched 3 inches higher in my seat atop two tightly-clamped 'buns'.

Anyway, why am I sharing this information? Not really sure - just wanting a sympathy vote I guess and trying to absolve myself for bailing on the half-marathon.

That said, I had a pretty decent run this morning (having taken a day off work) and ran along the Seawall through False Creek, Granville Island etc........but why-oh-why are there sooo few water fountains in Vancouver, it's almost impossible to find one. Or else you stumble onto one, gagging and spluttering, vultures swirling overhead, rattlesnakes at your feet (ok, so I embellished slightly) but if you do find one, chances are it's not even working. Insane! This is the city that's known for it's outdoorsy nature - people are always running, walking, biking, blading, skate-boarding, cycling and - now that summer weather is here - volley-balling (don't get me started on Vancouver's obsession with beach volley-ball). Anyhow, they keep talking of banning plastic water bottles here but then they really have to put in an occasional drink fountain. Don't make me start drinking from the dirty tupperware marked 'Fido' outside cafes.

Anyhow....time to go camping for the weekend...and hopefully uncramp that bum!

You have to wonder....

When I saw this sign on a washroom door today, 3 questions immediately came to mind:

1) Men can get pregnant??? What the...... How long has that been going on?

2) So these pregnant men are actually sneaking off to the washroom to sink a few frosties?

3) Are pregnant women hiding out in the men's loo to secretly knock back vast quantities of booze? - often enough ('twould appear) that the owners felt compelled to put up this sign?

Answers on a postcard, please to......

And, just for the record, I was not headed into the Men's room when I took this.....I'm not pregnant and nor did I have a big, fat vodka-tonic in my hand. But hey, if circumstances change, at least I know where to go.

Seven days and still waiting.....

So it's been 7 days since my May 1st birthday....when I turned f...f...f...forty...two. Yes 42....which, according to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is supposed to represent the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. Really? Well my question is.....does that start anytime soon? I mean it's been a week already and so far nothing...nada, zilch, zip, diddley squat and bugger all. Come on, I only have another 358 days to go, time is of the essence!

Don't get me wrong, I had a great birthday - the weather was sunny and we sat outside on Vicky & Mark's lovely rooftop deck, enjoying a glass of wine and eating home-cooked snacks, treats and fabulously decadent chocolate birthday cake that Lorne bought at Fratellis orgasmic bakery no less, along with the first chocolate cornflake cakes I've eaten in y-e-a-r-s! that Bronwyn and Vicky made :-) Bronwyn also made me a lovely birthday card. She adores our cats!

This is the back of the card, which shows all four cats, including our much missed Lucy.

Oddly enough, the blue collar with gold name tag that Bronnie has drawn in the center is exactly the collar I bought for Lucy to wear in the first few years I had her.....but Bronwyn's never seen that collar, in fact none of the cats have actually worn one in years. There's a hidden surprise with this card too - the 'pop-up' picture once you unfold it..... A remarkable headshot of Lucy. I'm really quite touched that she made this for me, it's so thoughtful and really cute - not to mention that she's quite the artist!

Of course it's a little less 'cheeky' than this one that Bronwyn chose for me last year. Nice :-)


And since I'm on a birthday card roll, I have nooo idea where Vicky and Mark managed to find this hunk-o-hunk-o-fabulous Elvis card, where the black around Elvis is velour no less. Classic! I think this one (& the cat card) has got to get framed.

But enough about cards. For my birthday dinner (which we did Tuesday night) Lorne had bought tickets for a 4-course dinner + scotch-tasting event at Vancouver's Dubrulle Culinary Institute through a local whisky lovers group Rare Drams It was an excellent and really delicious 4-course meal cooked by students of the Culinary Institute and the accompanying scotch tasting enlightened me to a few new and rare 'drams' that I'd actually not heard of but hope to have tingle my tastebuds again some time soon. After opening with a smooth Glenandrew upon arrival, we were treated to Clan Denny from both Speyside and Isla with the starter (both were good but the Isla was outstanding), then Tomintoul 14 yr old with the next course. With the entree we were treated to the delectable blend of McAllan & Laphroaig (a marriage truly made in heaven) and a great dinner was rounded off with the rather excellent Ardberg 18yr old. Bliss. I still can't believe it took me so long to get around to discovering scotch but better later than never, that's what I say! Could it be these delights are part of my life, universe and everything enlightenment?

And here I am, almost a full 7 days into being 42 and still waiting on my 'Answer'. Tum de dum de dum.......any time now would be good......la-de-daa-de-dum.....yup....aaaany-time sooon would be great.....hmmmmm deee da diddley deee......

So while I'm waiting for that pearly wisdom, I'll just run with Terry's analogy of being 42.....i.e. 'two 21-year olds rolled into one'. Hey, works for me!