Weighing up Tamoxifen, 1 year in.

 'Twould appear I've unwittingly succumbed to one of the possible side-effects of Tamoxifen - memory loss - since I was convinced I didn't start taking it until Dec. 16th last year and was getting ready to post a 1-year update, however, in referring back to my blog post last year, my anniversary was actually November 16. Doh! But then, how would you know if you're suffering memory loss anyway, since you can't remember what it is you're supposed to have forgotten? Hmmmm.

So here I am, one year down with four more to go and, while I don't want to speak too soon, I'd have to say so far, so good - up to this point anyway (mostly). From the list of possible side-effects I’ve really only noticed two or three; the struggle to maintain my weight, some joint aches/pains and the fact my PMS symptoms (especially irritability) seem to kick in a lot sooner each month. 

Weight: Weight gain seems to be the thing most people comment on with regard to tamoxifen and the thought niggles at me too, although I actually lost about 10lbs during the first several months. Admittedly I also kicked up my gym workouts in a pre-emptive attempt to combat potential weight-gain, but for a couple of months the pounds just seemed to fall off. I felt great, very healthy and lean, although I did reach a point where my clothes were just about hanging off me. 

Alas, this has definitely turned around, particularly in the last 3 months. While my workouts haven't changed and I’m not eating any more than usual - literally 3 meals a day with perhaps the occasional cracker in-between, and I never eat junk food or pastries - I’m nevertheless noticing my weight is creeping upwards, clothes are getting tighter on me and my thighs have regained an inch compared to where they were in March of this year. It’s incredibly frustrating because, for years and years, I’ve always been so ridiculously disciplined about what I eat, making my own meals for the most part, and equally so about working out at least every other day for 90mins at a time, of which 45mins is ripping up a storm on the cross-trainer.

I know I’m not fat (at 5’5” I’ve generally averaged 130lbs, give or take, for the past 15-20 years thanks to diet and regular exercise) but I'm definitely noticing it's becoming increasingly difficult just to maintain my weight when, by all accounts, I should probably even be losing some. Of course it could simply be down to age/metabolism (being mid-f-f-f-forties after all) but if I’m going to watch the scales creep upwards then I’d really rather be stuffing my face full of muffins, fish ‘n’ chips and chocolates, thank you very much. At least then it’d feel somewhat warranted. Heck, I work with people who are snacking constantly, always eating out and regularly feasting on treats around the office, but they don't seem to gain weight. Waaaahhhhhhhh!!! And if the scales are sneaking upwards now, then I dread to think what havoc a couple of weeks of Christmas goodies might wreak. (I don't often weigh myself other than to keep an eye on things when my clothes are feeling tighter and, for the record, I'm sure I probably sound like I'm making a huge issue out of nothing here but, having been so horribly miserable during a period in my life where I was a good 40lbs heavier, I can't deny I have an inner fear of it happening again and feeling as horrible about myself as I did back then, although honestly, even those feelings were really about much more than just my weight. Either way, it's a part of my life that I have no desire to revisit if I can avoid it.)

Anyway, in desperation, and for the first time ever, I recently surrendered to an advertising ploy that popped up alongside my Facebook page and decided to try a natural health supplement, Garcinia Cambogia, that’s rumoured (having apparently been featured on Dr. Oz) to be the very latest and greatest in weight loss/maintenance, especially when combined with a healthy diet and regular exercise regimen. Errr, yup – that would be me! I'm not necessarily trying to lose weight, but I don't want to watch the pounds pile on either. Basically I already live in a constant state of denying myself what I’d like to eat and sticking with what I should eat instead, and I've exercised regularly most of my life. Anyhow, I’ll write more on this supposedly ‘Dr. Oz recommended miracle diet treatment’ in a separate post but, suffice to say, I’m not all that impressed thus far and if you've been considering it, you might be better advised to save your money.

Joint aches/pains: This probably bothers me moreso at night if anything and I’d blame our mattress except that it’s still relatively new (2 years or so?). The soreness/stiffness is especially noticeable in my hips/bum. For the past few years I’ve had ongoing muscle soreness in my glutes/bum cheeks, to the extent I had to give up running about 2 years ago, and it could even be related to my gym workouts, I guess. (It also doesn’t help when our three adorable cats decide they’re going to snuggle in with us all night and I end up with my legs stuck in one position too long.) Sometimes when I’m working out, I feel like I’ve already done a full workout just 5 mins earlier, everything feels tired and stiff already. 

PMS: Historically I’ve always felt I had it relatively easy when it comes down to that ‘monthly visitor’. Other than a few days of insatiable appetite and craving starchy/sugary things and feeling bloated, depressed and irritable the day of or just a couple of days beforehand, my PMS symptoms have generally been of little consequence. I’ve definitely noticed that changing the past 6 months or more, to the extent I start to feel all the ‘day of’ joys about 10 days ahead of schedule and they last longer too. The main one being waves of extreme irritability, like all my nerves are on edge, my skin feels too tight and I’m about ready to completely blow a gasket. Just wanting to lose it - throw or smash something, violently overturn display racks in a store, shove somebody out of my way or pull their hair. I’m definitely not an angry person and I’ve never been prone to losing my temper or arguing, even if I’ve really wanted to or had every right to. But lately, about 7-10 days before my period, I get intense surges of extreme ‘f*ck this goddamn sh*t all to hell’ pissed-offness gripping my entire body, almost like electricity tensing up every nerve. Especially if I drop something, have yet another battle with unruly coat hangers or can't find something in my closet, drawers or purse - which usually leads to the whole contents being pulled/tipped out and furiously thrown into a pile. Obviously I don’t let this rampage show, unless I’m on my own and I might then scream out a series of expletives as I kick, throw or bash something. Though generally even my so-called ‘angry’ outbursts are actually pretty pathetic on a general scale of ‘losing it’, although it feels frighteningly intense on the inside. To me anyway, ye olde Ms. Eternally Placid Peace-Keeper (for better or worse)!

So there you have it, my first year on tamoxifen and, thankfully, relatively little to report - and not much that can’t simply be put down to age or regular day-to-day stuff anyway. Hard to believe the time has flown by so fast. As long as it’s still doing its highly-praised cancer-fighting job, I can count myself very lucky and very grateful.