Christmas 2013

As we barrel full-throttle into the final hours of 2013, I'm still trying to wrap my head around just how fast this year has gone. It's insane. Another 365 days have blown right on by in what seems like 5 minutes. Like everyone else at this time of year, I find myself reflecting over the past 12 months and trying to figure out what I need, want and hope for out of the next 12.....and beyond. Then I eat some more chocolate, sup another Baileys + peppermint schnapps, cuddle the cats and wait till it passes ;-) A temporary reprieve anyway.

But, before I go galloping into 2014, I'd like to linger a little while longer over Christmas....

Firstly, I can honestly say that finishing work 4 days before Christmas was GREAT! Normally I feel so rushed, furiously wrapping the last few gifts on Christmas Eve and am just about coming up for air when WHAM Christmas day is here, the floor's a carpet of discarded gift-wrap, I've scoffed too many Quality Street (again) and am sliding into the fetal position after a huge non-turkey dinner and too much wine.

The past few year's I've tried to convince myself that I'd like to do some baking beforehand and this year I finally had the time yet still the actual enthusiasm for it evaded me. I'm not even sure why - pure laziness maybe?

On Christmas Eve Lorne and I were among 'those saddoes' heading to the gym at lunchtime for one last burst of energy before the festive over-indulgence. (For the record, even we draw the line at working out on Christmas Day.) And normally we stay home on Christmas Eve, watching a couple of fave movies (Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or Bad Santa) and eating a smorgasbord of appies and treats, but this year we went out for a fabulous dinner - returning to Raincity Grill, the very restaurant where Lorne shocked the bajeebers out of me exactly 11 years earlier by presenting me with an engagement ring! (Sooo glad I said "yes".)

We got up around 10am Christmas Day (ahhhh the luxury of no kids) and opened our gifts in-between coffee with Baileys and warm croissants. Lorne spoilt me with an Ipad mini, something I've been deliberating about for a few months, trying to decide if I'd really get use out of one and unable to justify the cost for myself. But hey, now I have one and can even do blog updates on the go, wi-fi permitting.

Veggie, vegan or otherwise - you should try this at home!

We went over to Vicky and Mike's place around 3pm - they cooked a delicious Christmas dinner for us - for which I made yummy veggie sausage in beer gravy as a turkey substitute for myself and even Bronnie wanted some. (We'd actually tried several places trying to find this delicious vegan field roast but to no avail - although I did manage to get my hands on one yesterday, so that'll be our New Year dinner.)

I always admire the creativity at Vicky's house - lovely-handmade decorations, a display of carefully cut paper snowflakes hanging from the ceiling (apparently they were aiming for 100 but gave up at 'just' 60!), handmade cards and home-baked treats. Even down to the artistic gift labels. (I'm useless at drawing so my cards etc are handmade but not drawn.)

Special-teas for Lorne, with home-made labels and careful
instructions. And a hand-decorated mug for me.....although
I simply don't understand the wine reference, not at all ;-)

The B-side to my (wine) mug :-)

And, talking of creativity, here are the adorable cards Bronwyn made for us:

Looks like a beach holiday for me this Christmas

With love to me and the kitties! This one's a keeper for sure.

Lorne's card features a fat Rudolph
and lots of snow.

Bless :-)

We exchanged our gifts before sitting down for dinner a) because Bronwyn and River were so excited (as were we) and b) because Mike had a friend from work, Jose, joining us for dinner - a young Mexican guy who's been in Vancouver 7 months but doesn't really know anyone and was unable to go home for Christmas, so we didn't want him to feel awkward as we all sat opening gifts. He was a nice guy, though perhaps a little quiet, but who can blame him? First Christmas away from home, in a new country, in a language he's still learning.....and spending it with us loonies :-) Christmas among your own family is such a traditional and individual, nostalgic event, I imagine it'd be harder still when you're not even in your own country with your own family, friends, food, traditions etc. (In fact my worst Christmas was the very first one I spent in Canada (1995) - no thanks to the utter jerk I was dating/living with at the time...in not-so-fabulous Calgary. My dinner consisted of frozen chips (fries) and a few chocolates, dished out among various insults, put-downs and criticisms from the man of the hour. Needless to say it doesn't feature on my personal list of fond memories and by March I got the heck out of there and moved to Vancouver - as originally planned. How about that for cutting a long and miserable story short?). But I digress.......

Since Bronwyn and River don't really have any other relatives this side of the pond Lorne and I always like to spoil them a bit and it's always fun shopping for them. The biggest hit was the pair of Cars inflatable boxing gloves that we got River. He and Bronwyn wore one glove each and proceeded to pummel each other, giggling their heads off. It was pretty funny to watch and great to see them play nicely together (so to speak), something they're not always good at. In fact, we'll have to buy a second pair so they can fight out their sibling rivalry with both hands :-)

We gave Vicky the highly-acclaimed book "The Reason I Jump - The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism" written by a young japanese boy Naoki Higashida, described as a very smart, very self-aware, and very charming thirteen-year-old boy with autism, it is a one-of-a-kind memoir that demonstrates how an autistic mind thinks, feels, perceives, and responds in ways few of us can imagine. 

There might have been a little self-interest on my part, since I'd actually like to borrow it when she's read it, not only because it is so well regarded, but also because I'd like to understand more about River and just what he - and all of them as a family - work with around his autism. I have absolute admiration for Vicky in all that she has to deal with, not just with River's autism but also with Bronwyn and basically everything in general. My life seems so easy compared to her day-to-day and yet she still manages to do so much - all the time. I know it can't be easy and I often feel like maybe I'm putting pressure on her to fit in spending time together - which has been far too infrequent the past several months. But we've decided our New Year's resolution has to be to find the time to get together more - just make it happen. And spending time together Christmas day, all of us, was a reminder of what I've been missing!

Anyhooo, I took a few snapshots while we were at Vicky's so here are some of them:

Bronnie had us all sing Happy Birthday to Cactus,
her gerbil, who turned 2 years old.

Ahh River, ever the big beautiful smile amid that crazy pile
of wild and curly hair.

Mike and Vicky - looking lovely and definitely festive!
It's just not Christmas without the obligatory Christmas
cracker tissue-paper crown on your head all afternoon.

Mark popped by to say Happy Christmas &
have a quick drink :-) Great to see him too.

Bronwyn relating a story - you can almost see the funky
new slippers we bought her for Crimbo.

Ahh the man of my life, Lorne - the best gift I could ever
hope for, any day of the year!  

And here's the card I made for Lorne this year, with a
backdrop carefully recycled from one of last year's cards.

And, of course, I have to add one more kitty-cat picture, since they are family n'all:

Mel - sooo busted trying to sneak a peek at their
stocking full of prezzies on Christmas Eve. 

A lovely Christmas in so many ways. I am truly blessed with a good life and a wonderful family (human and feline) - I love you all!

Random Photo: Christmas present, Christmas past

Once again the cats have been fascinated by the tree this year, to the point it's virtually destroyed....again. This Christmas was Ella's first in our home and she seemed every bit as enamoured and excited about everything as our other 2 muppets, Mel and Louis. Bless! Hence I had to post this Iphone pic I snapped of Ella, waiting patiently under the tree for the jolly ol' fat guy in the red suit.

Little Miss Ella - waiting for Santa.....and catnip.

It's also at this time of year that my heart remembers - and still deeply misses - our little Lucy. Four years ago today and I will never forget the feeling of my heart literally breaking. She was an absolute treasure and I loved her with every bone in my body. Dear sweet, adorably quirky Lucy.

Lovely Lucy, never far from my thoughts.

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about her, though I'm pleased to say, having Ella has really helped soothe any lingering emptiness - not least because she definitely looks so much like her (and is missing only Lucy's endearing spaziness and 'special needs' tics), but also because, like Lucy, Ella is incredibly loving, snuggly and a real sweetheart. Similarly, if you sit still for a mere 10 seconds you're guaranteed to have her in your lap, looking for love.

I'm blessed to have both angels in my life, as well as all our other much-loved feline family - present and passed.

10 small things that made this a good week

I know I often write out my grumbles on this blog but this week, perhaps with the Christmas spirit in the air, there were a few things this week that literally gave me a warm 'ahhhh' feeling....and it wasn't just the mulled wine:

1. Further to my anti-fur posting a couple of weeks ago, I was still feeling increasingly frustrated at the number of people with fur trim on their winter coats, especially those awful Canada Goose coats, involving terrible cruelty to geese and coyotes (the trim is made from coyote - with dog fur used on knock-off versions). On Monday, I was in the Army & Navy's shoe department (still on the hunt for Lightning McQueen slippers for my nephew) when I heard a girl talk her friend out of trying on boots with fur trim. "No you can't do that," she said. "Do you have any idea of the torture those poor animals go through?" I wanted to hug her right then and there. "Finally" I thought, "someone else gets it. Amen!" I felt a wave of pride accompanied by the chorus "Haaaal-le-lujah! Hallelujah!" I was also pleasantly surprised to see she was young too, maybe 18-24 years old, I'd seriously begun to despair that young people even give a damn about this sort of thing. 
2. On Tuesday a couple of women at work sent out an email that they were doing a bake sale and collecting donations for VOKRA, the same wonderful cat rescue charity responsible for bringing Mel, Louis and Ella into our lives. I'm not much of a baker (too tempting to eat what I bake) but I was happy to test a bag of delicious scones and donate supplies of old towels, litter scoops, paper plates and garbage bags. So nice to see people doing something to help animals, I can't believe I haven't done a similar fundraiser myself, other than selling a pile of my cards for United Way. Note to self for next year!
3. On Wednesday night I popped into the local Salvation Army store, looking for a cheesy Christmas sweater. While I was in there, a poor old guy of about 80 or so hobbled in with his Zimmer frame/walker and awkwardly made his way around the store, handing out a small, gift-wrapped package of chocolates to each individual staff member, wishing them a Happy Christmas. Even though he struggled, he gave out each little gift personally, it was such a lovely, heart-felt gesture. He made everyone in that store smile. I love these small but priceless moments.
4. Also on Wednesday I won a treat from the massive Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory gift basket that had been delivered to our department. It was so full of fabulous goodies that, rather than put the stuff out with all the other treats that have been in abundance all week, we did a daily company-wide trivia quiz to 'raffle' off the contents. I was amazed that my name was selected so I picked out a massive solid chocolate Santa. Why is this even worth mentioning? Because I almost never win ANYTHING!
5. Ok, I say almost never because, as it turns out - much to my further amazement - my name was picked from the ballot box to win the Door Prize at Lorne's company Christmas party on Thursday night. What the....???? :-) I never win anything then I get two prizes in two days! Wohooo! I don't yet know what I actually won, since it wasn't marked on the ballot box and Lorne simply got a text last night saying my name had been picked and the gift is on his desk*. Cool! Needless to say, not to look a Christmas gift horse in the mouth or anything, but I'm hoping these things come in 3's since I've got a Max Millions lottery ticket that's just itching to claim the $50 million jackpot that's been sitting there for weeks. Or else I'd be happy with one of the $1 million bonus prizes! Heck, I'd be happy with just $100, even though a few extra zeros is always a good thing. The more the merrier, right? :-)
6. I noticed that my anti-fur posting from Nov. 29th has now been viewed 25 times! I have no idea who even looks at this blog or whether anyone visits more than once but I truly hope at least some of those 25 people took the time to read the whole post and learn a little more. Better still would be if even 1 person out of those 25 has a change of heart and never wears fur again and even tells other people about just how disgusting that whole business is. Those poor, poor animals.
7. They've renewed my consulting contract at work for a further two months - even approving the (10%) increase I asked for on my hourly rate as of January 1st! Excellent. And not bad considering I was only supposed to be working there for a couple of months - 13 months ago! In the grand scheme of things they're not paying me a huge amount (it's still 30% less than I earned freelancing 10 years ago, translating movies and documentaries - I wish there was more of that work around), but it's a decent rate and I'm actually enjoying the work too, so I have no complaints.
8. And talking of work, it's been a real pleasure being there this week. Everyone's been in such good 'festive' spirits, hanging out around the kitchen area, scoffing the piles of endless treats and chocolates and just chatting, laughing etc. Of the four Christmasses I've worked there (2009, 2010, 2012 and this one) I have to say this has been the best. Previously it definitely felt more grinch-like, very little social interaction and awkwardly fake at best. This time has been much merrier and I've enjoyed being there.
9. For once I have my Christmas shopping all wrapped up (get it?) nice and early this year. With the last arrival from Amazon a few days ago, I've literally got just a couple of things left to pick up with still a few days to spare AND I finished work yesterday until New Year. Nice! I can't deny there's always been something about Christmas shopping here in Canada that makes it so much easier and more pleasant than anything I remember of my previous life across the Pond. When I think of the same time of year in England it was NUTS! I mean swarms of people everywhere you looked. Crowded streets, queues 20-30 deep at every checkout, grouchy cashiers and equally grouchy customers, all seemingly wanting to just get the whole thing the hell over with. My experience here has generally been quite the opposite, especially with sales staff who - despite the rush - are helpful, pleasant, maintain their good humour and always have a smile but not even in an over-fake 'I'm on comission' way. I don't know what it is that makes the difference but I find Christmas shopping over here is actually quite enjoyable. It probably also helps that I love getting gifts for people. We don't go all crazy and super-extravagant with gift-shopping, there's no need to and I doubt it'd feel the same anyway. But I am happily amazed it all felt so easy this year, thanks in large part to the wonderful elves at Amazon!
10. We had our first snow yesterday - all of about 2 inches but plenty to cause snowmageddon traffic mayhem and dodgem cars around the city, even my 15-minute bus commute took nearer 55 this morning, 30 of which was spent just waiting for a bus to even turn up. But everything looks so pretty (once you're off the sloppy, slushy main streets anyway), especially with the Christmas lights and such. 

So all-in-all not a bad week to kick off into the Christmas holidays :-) and here are a couple of pics to add to the feel-good sparkle.

The snowy view from our bedroom window this morning.

Looks like a Christmas card. This fabulously decorated
house & garden are just down the street from us. I'm
tempted to bite the steps to see if it's made of gingerbread.

* Sadly my lottery ticket didn't pay out....again... but Lorne brought my prize home this afternoon; a nice bottle of Okanagan red wine, "Moon Curser" (which I merrily drank a fair bit of during the party), a $50 gift card to The Parlour Restaurant in hoity-toity Yaletown, whose tasty pizza they also served at the party, and a company logo'd touque. All a lot better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, even if I do say so myself! 

Random Photo Friday: Merry Christmas Kitties

Well the Christmas theme obviously isn't all that 'random' for today's photo, given we're just days away from all the feasting and merriment (though I seem to have started early on that score and am currently working through the hangover of Lorne's office party last night and bracing myself for mulled wine and tasty appies here at work) but this photo is just too adorable not to use:

About 5 mins before this picture was taken, I'd said to Lorne that I wanted to make a Christmas card of the cats to send to VOKRA with a donation (since we adopted all 3 of our guys through them) and was thinking I'd have to get all creative and print up a few pics etc. Next thing, Lorne goes upstairs and calls me to come take a look. There they were, all three neatly lined in a row, happy as clams and looking right at us instead of out the window for once. "There's your Christmas photo" he said and went to grab his camera (mine was in the closet so they were guaranteed to scatter before I could get it). And voilà - this was the fabulous result. Christmas Cats 1, 2, 3 (Ella, Mel, Louis). Thanks also to the handy-dandy Christmas photo-card thingy from the local dollar store. Purrfect!

Weighing up Tamoxifen, 1 year in.

 'Twould appear I've unwittingly succumbed to one of the possible side-effects of Tamoxifen - memory loss - since I was convinced I didn't start taking it until Dec. 16th last year and was getting ready to post a 1-year update, however, in referring back to my blog post last year, my anniversary was actually November 16. Doh! But then, how would you know if you're suffering memory loss anyway, since you can't remember what it is you're supposed to have forgotten? Hmmmm.

So here I am, one year down with four more to go and, while I don't want to speak too soon, I'd have to say so far, so good - up to this point anyway (mostly). From the list of possible side-effects I’ve really only noticed two or three; the struggle to maintain my weight, some joint aches/pains and the fact my PMS symptoms (especially irritability) seem to kick in a lot sooner each month. 

Weight: Weight gain seems to be the thing most people comment on with regard to tamoxifen and the thought niggles at me too, although I actually lost about 10lbs during the first several months. Admittedly I also kicked up my gym workouts in a pre-emptive attempt to combat potential weight-gain, but for a couple of months the pounds just seemed to fall off. I felt great, very healthy and lean, although I did reach a point where my clothes were just about hanging off me. 

Alas, this has definitely turned around, particularly in the last 3 months. While my workouts haven't changed and I’m not eating any more than usual - literally 3 meals a day with perhaps the occasional cracker in-between, and I never eat junk food or pastries - I’m nevertheless noticing my weight is creeping upwards, clothes are getting tighter on me and my thighs have regained an inch compared to where they were in March of this year. It’s incredibly frustrating because, for years and years, I’ve always been so ridiculously disciplined about what I eat, making my own meals for the most part, and equally so about working out at least every other day for 90mins at a time, of which 45mins is ripping up a storm on the cross-trainer.

I know I’m not fat (at 5’5” I’ve generally averaged 130lbs, give or take, for the past 15-20 years thanks to diet and regular exercise) but I'm definitely noticing it's becoming increasingly difficult just to maintain my weight when, by all accounts, I should probably even be losing some. Of course it could simply be down to age/metabolism (being mid-f-f-f-forties after all) but if I’m going to watch the scales creep upwards then I’d really rather be stuffing my face full of muffins, fish ‘n’ chips and chocolates, thank you very much. At least then it’d feel somewhat warranted. Heck, I work with people who are snacking constantly, always eating out and regularly feasting on treats around the office, but they don't seem to gain weight. Waaaahhhhhhhh!!! And if the scales are sneaking upwards now, then I dread to think what havoc a couple of weeks of Christmas goodies might wreak. (I don't often weigh myself other than to keep an eye on things when my clothes are feeling tighter and, for the record, I'm sure I probably sound like I'm making a huge issue out of nothing here but, having been so horribly miserable during a period in my life where I was a good 40lbs heavier, I can't deny I have an inner fear of it happening again and feeling as horrible about myself as I did back then, although honestly, even those feelings were really about much more than just my weight. Either way, it's a part of my life that I have no desire to revisit if I can avoid it.)

Anyway, in desperation, and for the first time ever, I recently surrendered to an advertising ploy that popped up alongside my Facebook page and decided to try a natural health supplement, Garcinia Cambogia, that’s rumoured (having apparently been featured on Dr. Oz) to be the very latest and greatest in weight loss/maintenance, especially when combined with a healthy diet and regular exercise regimen. Errr, yup – that would be me! I'm not necessarily trying to lose weight, but I don't want to watch the pounds pile on either. Basically I already live in a constant state of denying myself what I’d like to eat and sticking with what I should eat instead, and I've exercised regularly most of my life. Anyhow, I’ll write more on this supposedly ‘Dr. Oz recommended miracle diet treatment’ in a separate post but, suffice to say, I’m not all that impressed thus far and if you've been considering it, you might be better advised to save your money.

Joint aches/pains: This probably bothers me moreso at night if anything and I’d blame our mattress except that it’s still relatively new (2 years or so?). The soreness/stiffness is especially noticeable in my hips/bum. For the past few years I’ve had ongoing muscle soreness in my glutes/bum cheeks, to the extent I had to give up running about 2 years ago, and it could even be related to my gym workouts, I guess. (It also doesn’t help when our three adorable cats decide they’re going to snuggle in with us all night and I end up with my legs stuck in one position too long.) Sometimes when I’m working out, I feel like I’ve already done a full workout just 5 mins earlier, everything feels tired and stiff already. 

PMS: Historically I’ve always felt I had it relatively easy when it comes down to that ‘monthly visitor’. Other than a few days of insatiable appetite and craving starchy/sugary things and feeling bloated, depressed and irritable the day of or just a couple of days beforehand, my PMS symptoms have generally been of little consequence. I’ve definitely noticed that changing the past 6 months or more, to the extent I start to feel all the ‘day of’ joys about 10 days ahead of schedule and they last longer too. The main one being waves of extreme irritability, like all my nerves are on edge, my skin feels too tight and I’m about ready to completely blow a gasket. Just wanting to lose it - throw or smash something, violently overturn display racks in a store, shove somebody out of my way or pull their hair. I’m definitely not an angry person and I’ve never been prone to losing my temper or arguing, even if I’ve really wanted to or had every right to. But lately, about 7-10 days before my period, I get intense surges of extreme ‘f*ck this goddamn sh*t all to hell’ pissed-offness gripping my entire body, almost like electricity tensing up every nerve. Especially if I drop something, have yet another battle with unruly coat hangers or can't find something in my closet, drawers or purse - which usually leads to the whole contents being pulled/tipped out and furiously thrown into a pile. Obviously I don’t let this rampage show, unless I’m on my own and I might then scream out a series of expletives as I kick, throw or bash something. Though generally even my so-called ‘angry’ outbursts are actually pretty pathetic on a general scale of ‘losing it’, although it feels frighteningly intense on the inside. To me anyway, ye olde Ms. Eternally Placid Peace-Keeper (for better or worse)!

So there you have it, my first year on tamoxifen and, thankfully, relatively little to report - and not much that can’t simply be put down to age or regular day-to-day stuff anyway. Hard to believe the time has flown by so fast. As long as it’s still doing its highly-praised cancer-fighting job, I can count myself very lucky and very grateful.

Random Photo Friday: Remembering Otto

Today's random photo is dedicated to our beloved and much-missed Otto (aka Mister O), to whom we said goodnight 3 years ago today. So much bratiness and cattitude rolled into such a unique, lovable and extremely handsome brute of a cat. We miss him dearly and talk of him always with fondness and laughter.

Otto perfected the 'pissy-face', despite being so full of love.

He was certainly never backwards about coming forwards and very vocal when he wanted something. He could be downright mischievous, always getting into something he shouldn't, and so impossibly bratty, particularly in the way he tormented Molly - pictured (right) in the stand-off below.

And if Lorne went away overnight, it was pretty-much guaranteed Otto would pee on me just a little to remind me who was boss. In fact, this would have been one of those weekends. Lorne has to go to Whistler Film Festival and that would usually be the weekend I'd put up the Christmas tree and decorations, play christmas tunes or movies, hang with the cats, and have Otto follow my every move, chirping for attention at every opportunity.

When my Mum came out to stay with us for our wedding in 2004, Otto was instantly enamoured, he thought she was the best thing ever and proceeded to follow her around the apartment looking for attention and drooling once he got it (as he often did). He was visibly upset when she left back to England.

Wherever Otto was, you could guarantee he would be up to no good - there was always some mischief and bratishness he'd be getting into - but he was a truly loving, affectionate and incredibly endearing cat all the same and just writing this in his memory has me blubbing over my keyboard as I type.

But you couldn't get mad at him because he was just such a character, he'd make you laugh at the same time you were trying to tell him off. Any time we talk of him we end up laughing at his antics - including the time, days after Lorne and I moved in together, when Otto - still trying to settle into the new situation - jumped from his hiding place on top of the fridge-freezer, right onto my head! I literally had a cat on my head, claws gently sinking into my temples as I wore him like a hat, with what I can only imagine was a priceless look of shock and utter disbelief on my face. Oh my.

Yup, we still miss you Otto, you handsome and wonderfully loveable brute! Forever in our hearts!

Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh

And talk of me as if I were beside you. 

I loved You so—‘twas heaven here with you.

(Isla Paschal Richardson)

Otto (1991 - Dec. 6-2010) and a big part of my life since 2001.

And breathe........again.

WAHOOOOOOOO!!!! You know it's a good day when you find out the breast cancer you and your sister both had, does not appear to be gene related* or a gene mutation. Turns out it was purely one of life's crappier coincidences! Now that's fantastic news in my book - for me, for Vicky and for my 9 year-old niece, Bronwyn!

Wow! That's the biggest sigh of relief I've breathed since last year's results that my cancer was very small, early stage and, more importantly, had not spread to my lymph nodes!

I am so unbelievably grateful for such amazing news, like a nagging weight of 'what if' has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm sure Vicky's elated too - not just for her (and me) but for Bronwyn, because the opposite outcome would have serious implications for all of us and is certainly not a conversation I can imagine any woman would want to have with her daughter.

So YAY! Wahoo! And thank flippin' goodness for that!!!!  :-) Amen!

And...breathe.............


*This is based on gene testing that was centered on Vicky and also incorporated my medical records re breast cancer etc. Initial indications were hopeful that, since we had slightly different types of ductal carcinoma - hers was estrogen receptor negative (ER-) whereas mine was positive (ER+) - that it was unlikely to be gene related, but until you get the final news, you can't help wondering all the same.