Dr. Google and the C-Word Legacy

I'm quickly beginning to understand the mental 'legacy' that comes with ever having been diagnosed with the dreaded C-word. While I'd like to say I try not to think about it, since I had a lucky escape with such a small, very early stage and easily-removed breast cancer, the what-ifs and maybes nevertheless continue to nag once-in-a-while at the back of my mind. Such as they did when, earlier this year, my GP got me all worried with her insistence that a tiny lump in my left armpit felt very suspicious....though thankfully it turned out to be nothing out of the ordinary.

The latest nagging fear, is that I'm now into about the third month of having daily abdominal bloating and a pressure/pulling feeling in my lower abdomen. (And no, I'm definitely not pregnant. I'd have some serious explaining to do to Lorne if that were the case.)

Of course I made the general mistake of turning to Dr. Google who seems to repeatedly indicate that it could be symptomatic of ovarian cancer - especially in view of my age, having already had breast cancer (plus my sister having it), the fact I've never had children and taking into account that I've no previous history of abdominal bloating and this all started just a few months ago and has occurred every single day since. In fact I'd even say it's getting worse although I'd have to wonder if that might be somewhat psychosomatic, since I've now convinced myself just about 90% that is what's wrong with me.

If I look at the Signs and Symptoms, I have 7 of the 13 listed. While I initially put the bloating down to being maybe a low-lying stomach bug or even the crackers/cereal bars I eat at work causing digestive issues, even I can't deny it seemed to start out of nowhere a few short months ago, doesn't appear to go away, except for very brief spells and, for the past week, has been worse, constant and definitely more pain/pressure in my lower abdomen. Aaarrrgggh - a new worry instills itself into my little brain. Thanks cancer - the gift of mental anguish that just keeps on bloody well giving!!!

So when I saw my GP, Dr Y, last week - (to get a requisition for the 6-month follow-up ultrasound of my left-breast since Dr M's dopey assistant has YET to confirm, even though I've followed up with her 4 times since my last appointment with Dr M at the end of March. In fact she's never even returned the calls!) - I decided to mention about the bloating and discomfort from the past couple of months. Without hesitation she gave me a requisition for a pelvic ultrasound, with the form carefully marked "Hx of Breast CA. New onset pelvic/abdo bloating".

"They'll know exactly where I'm going with this," she added, in her usual direct and not-so-subtle manner that unnerves me every time. On the one hand I like it that she's pro-active. On the other hand, she makes me worry when she's so forthright and on the ball. Mind you, from what I've read (having scoured Dr. Google's many ovarian cancer sites) the initial symptoms of OC are frequently so vague and could easily be put down to a number of other causes, that most women are not usually diagnosed until the much later stages. So I should be grateful that I have a GP willing to get right to the point and send me for an ultrasound rather than one who fobs me off with, "It's probably just gas/indigestion/something you ate/possible irritable bowel syndrome/nothing to worry about. Just watch what you eat, fart up a storm, take a couple of Advil and come back in 3 years if nothing changes."

So now I have a flurry of thoughts, concerns and fears floating around inside my preeety leetle heed while my abdomen continues to look and feel like a football with the familiar heavy, dragging sensation that you get on the first day of your period. Could it even be something endometrial, which can be a side-effect of taking Tamoxifen? Added to that I'm also wondering about the genetic testing that the BC Cancer Agency is supposed to be following up on for Vicky and I. Apparently she's finally been scheduled for an initial appointment with them July 25th. If it turns out we have a mutation of the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene then the risk of being predisposed to OC(as well as bilateral breast cancer) increases significantly. Bloody marvellous. Although even that is really quite rare so I'm hoping we're not that special!

My pelvic ultrasound is booked for July 12 - still two more weeks and I'm already a nervous wreck. I just booked to see Dr. Y a week later for the results but how am I going to get through the next 3 weeks????  What's more, I don't even know how I'm going to drink several glasses of water and then be expected to hang onto my pee for 2 to 4 hours prior to the ultrasound, especially since I'm having to pee all the time lately anyway, at least every 45-60 minutes, with or without drinking so much. (Yes, that's listed among the symptoms too.)

Ughhh. And so the legacy continues.....the questions, the wondering, the nail-biting and nervously mulling over a multitude of what ifs every time something with my body feels a little different to usual. Which makes me wonder, does Vicky go through this too? Well, I know she does actually. And does my younger brother, Graham, ever feel scared if he gets chest pains, indigestion or shortness of breath? Especially since he had a full on heart attack in 2007 that scared the crap out of all of us and he wasn't even 34 years old! Does the fear of a recurrence ever really go away?

Ordinarily three weeks wouldn't be a long time. But when you're afraid of another whack of the cancer baseball bat, it feels like an eternity.


**Update: July 10, 2013**
I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that I should be safe, I very much doubt my abdominal/stomach issues of late are in fact related to ovarian cancer - I think I'm just gaining weight. While tummy ache and bloating has been pretty persistent the last few months, I seem to have gained back most of the weight (& size) that I initially lost in the first few months of starting Tamoxifen, despite the fact I don't eat much,almost never eat junk/fatty food and have still been working out for 90mins-2hrs every other day. I mean, I know I'm not 'fat' but it's demoralizing nevertheless to have trimmed down, become really lean, felt great and yet now I can tell my clothes are getting tighter again even though I haven't changed anything and my thighs (yes I measure my thighs) have crept up a half inch, so now my shorts/jeans etc feel smaller on me again. Humpf! Not impressed and having PMS isn't helping. Still, if it means I don't have OC, then I'm definitely ok with that, I just hope this blubbery feeling isn't a continuing trend going forward ...or should I say 'outward'.

Ninth Anniversary and Birthday

Last week, June 19th, Lorne and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary and I'd have to say, I am just as much - if not more - in love with him now as I was in this lovely photograph of our amazing and incredibly beautiful big day, nine years ago. He is evermore my strength, my love, my hope, my future and my wonderful ever after and this past year/15 months he has proved himself over and over to be the incredibly supportive, caring, loving and amazing person that I knew him to be the day I married him. My very own, and very cherished, Mr. (W)Right! Heck, I even find it hard to believe myself most days - that I could be lucky enough to have found someone so giving and loving, not to mention downright hilarious, with whom to share my life. Right down to the fact he's just as much a big softy animal lover as I am. A true and wonderful match for which I am ever grateful, more with each passing day and especially with the cancer events and such of this past year.

Okay, enough of the heartfelt mushiness, before I have to start handing out the airline sick bags ;-)

So, with a dry and sarcastic sense of humour being among Lorne's many qualities that I love dearly, he is very imaginative when it comes to gift giving and this anniversary was no different but with the 'traditional' 9th anniversary gift theme of willow/pottery/leather being somewhat mundane, it was a struggle to even know what to buy.

He and I are scarily in tune with one another and frequently think/say the very same thing at the exact same time (does that make us one of those couples?), so it was no surprise to either of us that, for the willow part of the theme, we each ended up buying the other a bottle of this rather pleasant BC Shiraz: Red Willow by Prospect Winery. (In fact we did the same on our 7th anniversary with Copper Moon cabernet sauvignon.) Red Willow's not a bad wine, although it suffers the usual exaggerated BC duty that inflates the price to $16.99! It's actually nicer than the supposedly 'premium' red wine that we ordered earlier this year through a local U-Brew, namely Broadway Brewing Company, which is proving to be extremely underwhelming, and even that's being generous. But I digress.....

For the leather part - which is not so easy with me being a long-time vegetarian - Lorne found the perfect, tongue-in-cheek, veggie-friendly compromise, complete with explanation of his quirky rationale:

Not sure I'll actually eat them, although I think
it's all fake flavouring anyway, isn't it?

And of course, having already married Mr. Wright, it was only fair that - as the pottery gift - I acknowledge the fact he is also my Mr. Perfect. Aaaahhhh - barf bag anyone? ;-)

Though he's not quite as blueberry-coloured,
this does kind of resemble Lorne nonetheless :-)

And this is very fitting for the day 

we got married, June 19, 2004.

That aside, another celebration very close to our wedding is Bronwyn's birthday and I'm still incredibly impressed how Vicky managed to stay the duration on our wedding day, outlasting many other guests, despite having given birth to Bronnie by C-section just 5 days prior! Now that's determination!

While I joined in Bronwyn's birthday celebration- and delicious homemade cake - that she had on the Sunday, June 16th, I also offered to take her downtown as an extra birthday treat, to do a bit of shopping. She's now at that age where she wants to pick her own clothes and so, last Sunday, we headed for H&M where we spent about an hour or so looking at just about everything and both feeling disturbed by the perversely skimpy clothing geared towards girls her age and even younger. Honestly, it gives me the creeps. The 'in' fashion for girls in Vancouver this summer seems to be super-micro-cropped/shredded shorts that have both your crotch and arse hanging out and the front pockets flapping lower than the actual shorts. Needless to say it's not a good look and, maybe I'm getting old, but I find it pretty sad to see young women parading themselves like cheap meat in this way. Thankfully Bronwyn agrees and we both rolled our eyes at similar hot-pants and underwear-sold-as-shorts that are geared to such young girls, not just teenagers! We struggled to find a pair of shorts that even came below her bum. And anything longer than your backside was - ironically - twice the price of that with half the amount of fabric and even less bum-cheek coverage! I shake my head, really I do!

For the none girly-girl, I was surprised
Bronnie picked this outfit out herself!
That said, she looks adorable!

Anyway, thankfully - after carefully scouring the store - Bronwyn picked out this lovely little outfit, complete with glittery shoes (even though you can't see the cute sparkle so much in this fitting room photograph). The pink jacket is very BRIGHT and a little bit big on her, but it was the last one and she just fell in love with it. I could hardly say no, could I?

We had a really nice afternoon, she's such a thoughtful and complex girl with so many questions and really interesting perspectives, way beyond her years. I love her for her strength, independence and modesty and sharing a little of her new self-awareness and, at times, self-consciousness, was a pleasure. I could see her weighing up in her mind what her peers might think of her outfit...hence the pink jacket was vital and the shoes an absolute must-have.

After H&M we went over to Claire's Accessories where she deliberated over earrings for at least 40 minutes, weighing up how she was going to afford them, since she had only $5 of her own money and had just spent half of that on a bracelet at the Dollar Store and was now bitterly regretting the choice. On top of that, I could tell she was aware she had already just scored a lot of stuff at H&M and shouldn't really expect more (I'd say, shouldn't be 'greedy' except that I can't say that word without feeling awful in my stomach, it's such a loaded term in my mind and comes with a horribly overwhelming sense of shame.) She even offered to pay me back from the $8 or so she has in an account, bless her. So I let her sit with her decision-making for a little bit as she debated which earrings she wanted most and then we compromised, thanks to the store's 'Buy 2 pairs, get a 3rd pair free' offer, and decided we'd both get one pair and that'd mean her second pair would be free.

One the bus home she seemed really tired - that girly downtown shopping takes it out of you - but we'd had a great time, I loved spoiling her and it was a pleasure to let her decide what she really wanted to get and pick things out together. Vicky says I should definitely do the same for her when her birthday rolls around later this year! Hmmm, nice try! ;-)

Wohoo, I did it again!

I can't believe I forgot to post this. I'm so pleased that another of my photographs made it as the poster for this year's Art in the Garden event, put on by North Vancouver Arts Council! That's twice in three years.

Even though the actual event took place a couple of weeks ago already, I'm thrilled that another of my favourite photographs was used and both the website banner and the poster look amazing. BIG SMILE :-)

What's more, I even found it featured on a different website too, Alliance for Arts and Culture.

Unfortunately the images below are fairly low res versions, but are all I have at this point though my friend has apparently saved a couple of the printed posters for me.

No Man's Land

May 30th marked my first anniversary of being told, 'you have breast cancer'. And, even though I'm in great health now, thanks to a small lumpectomy followed by several weeks of radiation therapy and 5 years of tamoxifen to blow away the cancer, my life overall feels like it's been in an odd state of suspended animation ever since. It's not an anniversary I particularly want to dwell on, so I simply acknowledged it on the inside and its part in the bizarre out-of-body displacement I've felt for the past 12 months - well, 14 months actually, if you count unexpectedly losing my job just weeks before the diagnosis.

In all fairness, I couldn't exactly call the past year my annus horribilis, I've definitely endured much worse periods in my life, but I nevertheless still have that strange and detached sense of meandering through a bit of a no-man's land, not quite knowing where things go from here - personally, professionally or otherwise -  and not entirely sure of what to expect a few weeks from now, let alone a few months or even years.

In some ways it's been freeing to let go a little and see what transpires, I honestly don't believe I've ever really done that before, but it's unnerving all the same and here I am, over a year later, bumbling along from one day to the next still trying to fathom this new reality and its accompanying heightened awareness of my own - and everyone else's - mortality.

I don't quite know how to take back control because I'm not even sure in which direction I should be heading, but I do know that I can't keep letting time fritter away. For better or worse, this past year has served as a massive reminder/eye-opener that I really don't have an endless supply of days left to waste and I certainly won't get any of them back. No doubt this feeling also ties in with yet another birthday that galloped by at lightning speed.....turning 45 feels like a no-man's land in itself. I'm not young, nor am I pretending to be, but I'm not old either, and this in-between phase is starting to feel awkwardly similar to being a teenager, with eerily familiar questions, and the added 'bonus' of certain life options beginning to feel like they're closing to me versus being a teenager and not knowing where to start.

With my contract work diminishing at Omicron, I've recently taken an additional yet temporary, part-time contract to the end of July working for a non-profit that offers grants to community based programs working in the field of mental health and substance use. (Some might say that's a perfect fit for me!)

It's a small affair, the people are nice and I admire the work they're doing but the downside is, while they hope to expand and hire me for a Marketing/Communications position further down the road, the best they can offer right now is a position as Executive Assistant to end July. Without going into the boring details it seemed like a reasonable chance for me to; a) stay employed....for now, b) test it out and get to know the business and people/connections etc. and c) would spare me the nauseating happy-clappy Sparkle-Barbies of the local temping agencies, who would no doubt try slotting me into an EA position anyway, but for less money after they take their cut. So for now I'm back to a job that I do really well (even if I do say so myself - and perhaps even better nowadays than when I was an EA several years ago) but I just can't stand! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, since I'm glad I have a job - even temporarily - but it's lower pay and being an EA is a very demanding (and often thankless) job of basically running around like a servant to someone so that they always look great while you remain invisible; relentlessly slaving away in the background to keep alles in Ordnung, ensuring all is flawless, shiny and wonderful to the outside world.

But this too is merely temporary, a couple more months adrift until we see what comes next, be it within this organization or a whole new move. And while there are advantages to being a self-employed consultant, the lack of health benefits and paid vacation aren't sitting too comfortably with me - maybe because of my own health scare last year, the decreased earnings and the fact I won't even have Employment Insurance benefits to fall back on since my 'year' eligibility for EI just wrapped up and there are no EI benefits for those whose self-employed contract comes to an end.

All in all, what am I even trying to say here? Just that I feel like I'm adrift and relying somewhat on where the current takes me rather than steering the ship. I don't know if that's a good thing per se. I don't know that it's necessarily a bad thing either. It just is and has been since April/May last year and, while 'm not entirely comfortable with it, I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do to make things any more concrete. I don't even know if this is all down to last year's diagnosis - although that is a royal slap in the face that makes you question your own mortality, how you're living the life you have and what you should start doing with what's left of it....and just how much of it is there left anyway? It's been a year/14 months of the rough with the smooth, the pros with the cons, the ups with the downs......and still that underlying sense of meandering through no-man's land, drifting at the whim of a power greater than me and needing to make every day count. For something. But what, where, when.....and how?