Counting Blessings

As we barrel towards the final 24 hours of 2012, I realize it's one of the few years that I will not be sorry to see the back of. It seems that - for myself, my sister and for various friends, family members and even friends-of-friends - the year 2012 has not been a very kind one. As one who usually feels somewhat daunted by the prospect of a whole new and unwritten year unfolding in front of me, it's quite refreshing to feel at least a little positive anticipation about moving towards the as yet blank pages of chapter 2013.

But even though 2012 was, by and large, a bit of a blur and has not been one of my better years - thanks to losing my job, going through breast cancer, being unemployed for the better part of 8 months and watching my sister's marriage come to an end - I am nevertheless able to count up a series of blessings that have accumulated around me, some of them even in spite of their circumstances. There have been times of stress, uncertainty, fear, rejection and worry however, while it might have been a more trying year, I still couldn't say it was absolutely horrendous and for that I am grateful, because things really could have been a lot worse.

Rather than go into too much detail (since much has been written in my posts previous to this), I thought I'd make a quick list because - even in the tough times - it helps to stop, take a breather and really count your blessings:

1. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, Lorne, who never ceases to amaze me with his unwavering love, support, compassion, concern and just being there for me in every way. I couldn't ask for a better life partner and, especially this year, he has outdone himself in being all that and so much more. Thank you!
2. I've enjoyed a renewed closeness with friends and family, even friends I haven't spoken to in years and those I don't even know so well. I have felt very loved and appreciated this year, that's for sure.
3. Being laid off was upsetting and felt so unfair, but I was given a decent severance that allowed me to enjoy a fairly relaxing couple of months off, until we left for our 3-week trip to the UK in June, and subsequently the time and freedom to deal with the breast cancer diagnosis, surgery and radiation treatments without that added pressure of feeling like I should be making up the time at work. Admittedly, being unemployed so long often left me to ponder a little too much inside my own head with the 'what ifs' and 'maybes', but if ever I needed space to wrap my head around something, then not working these past months has certainly been a blessing.
4. I'm eternally grateful that my cancer was small, low-grade and found very early. Furthermore I have received prompt, high-tech treatment and am so lucky to be living among the world's top breast cancer researchers, scientists and doctors. I didn't have to lose a breast, I didn't need chemo, I never lost my hair and there is a 5-year course of medication available to me to further minimize the chances of this cancer coming back. Were I living in the US, the treatment alone would have soaked up all our savings and then some. In many other countries it might not even be available to me at all.
5. The timing of our UK trip - planned before I lost my job or learned about the breast cancer - was impeccable, a very welcome distraction between diagnosis and surgery and a chance to reconnect with my family on a deeper level perhaps than other visits.
6. Talking of our England trip, I also count my blessings that my mum, who's taken to falling asleep while smoking in bed or in her armchair, has thus far failed to burn down the house and that I was there to stub out the lit cigarette that fell from her hand and merrily smouldered away on the living room carpet. Admittedly I was furious at the time - I've always hated that she smokes so much anyway - and when that happened, on the last night of our stay with her in June, I felt sick with a mix of anger, frustration and overwhelming worry that she might just die in a house fire one day - and likely sooner rather than later - self inflicted! (Lorne's best friend lost both parents that way not too long ago.) It's a horrible thought but a possibility that I am personally powerless (and too far away) to change. 
7. I am grateful that having so much time off this year has enabled me to be a much greater support to my sister, Victoria - spending time with her and the kids, especially in the midst of her separation from Mark and then the lengthy up-heavel of moving house. I am forever in awe of her stamina, strength, sheer determination and incredible strength of spirit as she pushes herself through what sometimes seems to be an endless uphill battle. 2012 has been a very tough year for her too, so let's hope 2013 brings better times!
8. In return, Vicky has been an incredible support to me in navigating breast cancer, thanks largely to her own experiences just a couple of years ago. While it's been a pathway we never expected to share, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have by my side who has already been through it. I swear that it even helped lessen some of the initial shock and fear of my own diagnosis back in May, since it was no longer the first time I'd heard those unwanted words spoken so close to home. And when Vicky had a further scare this summer - with what thankfully really was a benign cyst - I was able to be there with her - in fact we sat together at the hospital, chatting our heads off (as always), right up to the moment they wheeled her bed into the OR.
9. I've also been lucky to have the time to get back into a regular workout routine - both during and since the radiation treatments - keeping active and topping up those endorphins. Aside from the Christmas junk food (ahem!) I currently feel fitter and more energetic than I have in a long time.
10. I am also blessed with a good friend and ex-boss, Bev, who has been supportive in both a personal and professional capacity. Having lost her own best friend to a 10-year battle with breast cancer last year, Bev was someone I could talk to when my sister was diagnosed and has since befriended me in the same way, especially by offering me freelance work shortly before Christmas. Basically I'm back doing the job I left in 2011, only on a freelance basis and it helps me (and Bev) in so many ways. It's just a temporary gig but is pretty flexible, the extra money has certainly helped, just in time for Christmas and the work might even run through January. The extra cash and freedom from my own personal procrastination is very handy and perfect timing. While I'm back in the saddle work-wise, you could also say I'm riding the gift horse they call Hypocrite (or sleeping with the enemy), since I originally left the company because of (among other reasons) their voracious desire to focus on projects in/around the Alberta oil sands, to which I am absolutely environmentally opposed. However, they've offered me a decent hourly rate, it gets me out and around people again and it means I can use the writing, editing, proof-reading and desktop publishing skills that I didn't get as much opportunity to use in my last job but would definitely like still to use in the future. Besides, I'm still good friends with a couple of my immediate co-workers, so it's been a seamless transition and has spared me the patronizing and nauseating happy-clappy Sparkle-Barbies at the local temping agencies! 

Well, that's ten things right off the top of my head in a year that's certainly had its moments. And if it hadn't all happened this year, I might not be writing this post, so what else can I say? Take solace even in the small things and hold onto those moments of grace, compassion and gratitude - no matter how fleeting.