When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past. ~Author Unknown (but could have been me!)

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
~Mary Jean Iron


While there are three tenses to life, I realize more and more that I spend most of my time living in just two of them - the past and the future - but not nearly enough time in the present. I'm not even sure how it started yet I seem to have spent most of my 43 years living that way - meandering with a head full of questions between the ghosts of coulda, woulda, shoulda and nostalgic revisiting of the past or else trying to weigh up all the unknowns, uncertainties and yet-to-come moments that sometimes quite literally paralyze me about the future.
It's not that I harbour an overwhelming sense of regret about the past, not entirely anyway. Nor is it that I plan with excitement, or dread, towards the future and where my life will go from here. In one sense I don't so much 'live' in the present as, dare I say it, stagnate and procrastinate - glued to the spot wondering about the paths I might have taken coupled with a reticent intrigue and underlying anxiety about the future. But surely it's a crime to live my life as if the present is a no-man's land.

Either way, I've determined it's not the best use of my time and, if anything, is considerably detrimental to my present. There are times I get sucked into the vacuum of my own head - devoured by questions, wonderings and doubt or reminiscing with fondness, melancholy or a sizeable mix of both. Always wondering if what I'm doing - or have done - with my life is good enough. (Good enough for who?)

It's not that my reflections upon the past are always negative, far from it. I have done many wonderful things and accomplished much in my life thus far of which I am proud, grateful and definitely more the wiser. And I am fully aware of the immense and unique gift that I get to live this life and not that of so many millions of people in a much, much worse situation - facing poverty, sickness, devastating hardships and unimaginable horrors as a matter of daily life. Although I sometimes fear the 'what if' of that becoming my future.

And I certainly don't always look to the future with underlying apprehension, because I know from previous experience that, even when the present has sometimes felt like too much to bear, the future has nevertheless brought better, happier and remarkably fulfilling moments into my life. Moments that I sometimes feared I wouldn't see.

So why then do I waver constantly between one and the other but so rarely within the here and now? Or if I let myself soak up a lovely moment in the present, a little voice of negativity will often sneak in with its subliminal whispers of 'what if this all gets taken away'? I can be laughing and enjoying a walk, a holiday, a movie, a meal or a beer with Lorne, and suddenly it's like I catch myself with a shadowy foreboding of 'what will I ever do if something happens to him?' Borne of the fear that maybe I'm not worthy or entitled to such happiness? Or the guilt of, 'how can I be laughing and feeling this good while half the world's suffering or in turmoil?'

When I really get into it, I can even find myself thinking, 'in the future I might really regret having lived my life this way in the past'. For heaven's sake, why won't I just let myself off the hook? The past - for better or worse - is what has shaped me into the person I am today and has brought many wonderful people, experiences, challenges and accomplishments into my life. No I didn't move to France (yet) like I always thought I would - like everyone thought I would. But I did take a completely different path that has brought me to enjoying the past 10 years with a wonderful man, living in a great city and a great country - and with my sister and her family nearby. I've had some amazing jobs (and some complete doozies - same could go for relationships too come to that) and in all honesty I wouldn't change that either. Maybe it's normal to look back over your life and wonder about the paths you didn't take, or wonder about the lives of people you once knew and how different things could have been. But there's really no telling if you would have actually been any happier, more successful, wiser, wealthier or otherwise.

However I don't think it's all that healthy to feel a greater sense of anxiety about the future than I do excitement or positive anticipation. Most of that stems from my worries of the world we live in which is directly proportional to the amount of news or twisted american crime shows I watch - hence I try to avoid them, even if a lack of political and socio-economic knowledge significantly inhibits my worldly awareness and limits more in-depth dinner conversations and debates.

And while I still have a problem accepting that I'm in my forties - seriously, I don't know why it is after 3 years already, but it still chokes me - I should really just a) be grateful that I got this far :-)  and b) suck it up because, in my 50's or even 80's I'll no doubt be kicking myself that I wasted the full enjoyment of my forties feeling old!

Basically, since I'm unable to change the past, although I do frequently learn from it, and I'm somewhat limited in what I can really control about the future, except what is within my powers to effect, I should consider it 'open to possibilities' - a blank page whereupon any number of things remain to be written - and focus perhaps on making those possibilities into realities.

One thing's for certain, if I don't do more and live my life more in the present, then my future will almost certainly be tainted by melancholy and regret about the past.

Mayne Island getaway

While we normally avoid leaving town on a long weekend, since it usually implies fighting one’s way through loooong lines of traffic & overcrowded ferries etc., Lorne and I broke from tradition for last week’s Canada Day (July 1st) long weekend and booked ourselves a little camping trip to one of the nearby gulf islands – Mayne Island.

Mayne is just a 90min and very scenic ferry ride from Vancouver and thankfully we’d booked well in advance so we didn’t get caught in any delays, in fact it wasn’t a bad trip at all both on the way out and coming back 2 days later.

It’s only the second time we’ve been to Mayne Island, despite having talked about it often since our first trip there back in October 2002. At that time we rented a cheap but comfortable little cabin that we’d heard of through a colleague and went there for Thanksgiving with a couple of friends (which, now that I mention it, further negates my earlier mention of ‘avoiding’ travelling over long weekends).



Georgina Point Lighthouse
& park - perfect picnic spot.

Unfortunately that cabin was sold off since we last went there - replaced by two much larger houses - but that’s just fine because we have our trusty and much-loved camper van and had booked at Mayne’s only campsite – Seal Beach in Mariner’s Bay, on the northwest of the island. Not a bad little campsite, except for the horribly smelly outhouses – they seriously need to de-stench them, it almost made your eyes burn - and the incredibly dithery guy who runs the site had neglected the fact we’d booked for a camper van not a tent (since all the tent spots are apparently walk-in only). We ended up having to camp in what was actually the grassy parking lot, amid other campers cars – but as the only campsite on the island, there wasn’t really any other choice. Thankfully it didn’t turn out too bad after all, despite the somewhat limited privacy, and we at least still had a full picnic table and were only steps away from the pebbly 'Seal Beach'.

Seals chillin' out at Seal Beach, Mariner's Bay

Before breakfast next morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find several seals hanging out sunbathing on the rocks off the campsite beach, only visible at low tide. I managed to get in fairly close (thanks also to my 300mm zoom lens) but my philosophy with wildlife is to photograph without intruding, so I didn’t want to get too close and disturb them. Besides, seals have incredibly bad breath.

Young black-tail deer.

At only 21km2, Mayne’s a fairly small island with a delightfully rustic charm, a lovely community feel and its 1,100 inhabitants are low-key, laid-back (dare I say it) hippies who were just as pleasant this time around as they were the last. I’m not sure if deer outnumber humans on this island, but there are certainly a lot of them about – so you really have to keep your eyes peeled when driving - and they’re quite comfortable around people, just like this guy who nonchalantly grazed within feet of our camping spot.

And talking of rustic charm – we were intrigued by the campsite’s only shower – an open-air ‘tree shower’. Basically a minimal, 3ft high, wide-slatted fence around the base of a large tree which left you exposed to the lower parkland and beaches. No room for modesty in this shower but something very freeing about it nonetheless. Thankfully there was hot water, piped directly from the main house.

View from the shower facing towards

the woods/water.



I did birthday suit not bathing suit

when I showered. Ooops. (And, for
the record, this pic's off the website.)

Unfortunately, being an island, there’s always a high risk and fear of fire, since it could potentially obliterate everything. Despite the fact this year’s been generally cold and rainy up till now, there were no campfires allowed and even the site’s communal fire-pit was closed. That said, the weather had thankfully warmed up enough for it not to matter too much, though it’s still always a great part of any camping adventure. And, oddly enough, there was very little traffic around, people or vehicles.



Note the strategically placed bald eagle for added effect.

The highlights to the weekend were definitely the relaxation, gorgeous weather (despite a little rain Saturday night, at the exact moment we decided to light up an after-dinner cigar) and the outstanding Gulf Island views from our long hike at Mount Parke Park – which we’d never even heard of on our single previous visit. A peaceful forest trail topped off by stunning views at the summit. I could have happily sat there all day, just breathing in the silence, tranquility and incredible landscape across the islands.

Pender Island in the foreground with....others....behind.

Since the lock on our relatively new bike rack on the van is broken AGAIN (it's hardly worked since we bought it) we couldn't bring our bikes over with us and the tidal currents around Mayne are far too strong for our inflatable kayaks, we did most of our touring on foot and in the van. We also made a point to stop by the Saturday morning Farmer's Market which is a small and casual affair - more of a community gathering place really, where locals catch up and trade foods, recipes and family news. The market itself comprises largely local veggies, homemade baked goods (including incredibly delicious bread buns!), jewellery, art and handicrafts. (Note to self: this would be the perfect place to sell my cards and photographs!!!)

On the whole, Mayne Island is so naturally pretty, unpretentious and endearingly low-key that everything was a pleasure – including the delicious lunch at the heritage building in Mariner’s Bay now home to the Green House Bar & Grill (which was a kistchy, overly knick-knacked nautical-themed restaurant called Mayne Mast last time we were there). Delicious home-made food and friendly service. 

All in all I was pleased to soak up the same serenity, rustic charm, down-to-earth vibe and friendly community feel to Mayne that had appealed to me so much on our first visit. That and the incredible views, diverse wildlife and beautiful beaches, bays, coves and parks all around this small island make me seriously want to consider moving there in the future. Not forgetting the fact it’s also generally warmer and much sunnier than on Vancouver’s mainland, which was certainly the case this past weekend too.

Yup, I can definitely see myself living there one day. Dog, chickens, kitty-cats n'all. And maybe even Lorne too, hehe!


(For more photos of Mayne Island and our mid-May visit to San Francisco, visit my Flickr site.)