Tamoxifen Update - two months on

Is it really just 8 weeks since I started taking Tamoxifen?  Two months down and 58 to go? Funny how it feels like it's been a while and yet not very long at all. Time seems to have stretched out these past few months, in a somewhat dream-like haze, maybe because I'm hovering in a bit of a no-man's land (job-wise and post-cancer scare). This must be one of the few - very few, in fact - periods in my life where I find myself moving through one day at a time, taking each as I find it, rather than beating myself senseless about the future. Giving the steering wheel over to fate for this part of the journey while everything in the rear view mirror lingers, as if held in suspended animation.

It's an odd, yet pleasant sensation and I've decided just to go with it, at least while it lasts anyway. I'm curious (but for once not too daunted...yet) where things might go from here. Feeling this way is somewhat new territory for me and maybe it's part of the overall sense of 'reconnecting' that I've been feeling of late - connecting with myself and the people and environment around me in a way that has changed for the better, even if I couldn't tell you how exactly. If it's down to the meds then damn they're good!

Nevertheless I'm not kidding myself that ye olde familiar sunami of anxiety will no doubt rear its ugly head again at some point - and I haven't totally lost the small voice that pops up at the back of my mind wondering 'if everything's feeling okay, then what's about to go wrong?' - but right now I'd like to savour this otherwise quiet sense of...dare I even say it...serenity.

In a previous post (Sept. 2012) I blubbed out my anxieties at the idea of having to take Tamoxifen for the next 5 years, even though I know it's going to help kick butt against any cancer cells that think they can merrily grab onto my estrogen, beef themselves up and multiply in my breasts or elsewhere. And it was with some trepidation that I even took my first dose (Nov. 16, 2012). So, as a reminder to myself and as information for anyone else facing the same concerns I had/still have about taking Tamoxifen, I thought I'd share what I've personally encountered thus far, in my mere 8 weeks of taking it. (Spoiler alert: Overall, I'm pleased to report it hasn't yet turned into the nightmare I was expecting....fingers crossed!)

• Hot flashes: Thankfully not something I've really noticed and definitely no bursts of sweating cobs or wafting my armpits to cool down (which I plan NEVER to do anyway!) That said, I'm also taking Effexor (about which I'll explain more in a moment) and am told this helps with hot flashes than can be experienced while taking tamoxifen. I suppose I did feel a little warmer in the first few weeks but it was late November so I was actually glad of it. I normally feel the cold very easily and hate being chilled. 
• Mood: Apart from an isolated incident early December - where an old Christmas song playing in a store caught me completely off guard by nearly making me cry right there and then - I have felt surprisingly good lately. In fact better than I have for quite some time. I've never really been a moody person (though I've had my moments) and one of my main concerns about tamoxifen/menopause is that it could send me completely wacky or erratic. Thankfully so far so good and even my PMS was no worse than usual, though I count myself lucky that it's never been all that severe for me anyways.
• Periods: I'm one of the fortunate few to be blessed with relatively easy, short and very regular periods all my life (amen) and for now I'm still having them but hey, it's only been two months on the meds so that might yet change.
• Weight: Well, here's the interesting thing. While I'm definitely not overweight, before starting tamoxifen I decided to invest in a couple of cute, loose-fitting tops and even a skirt and pair of jeans that were slightly loose on me, figuring I should have them on hand, reluctantly anticipating the medication's common side effect of weight gain. At the same time, I also decided to change up my gym workouts a little, increasing the length of my aerobic exercise on the cross-trainer and backing off on the leg weights by a couple of pounds. To my surprise I haven't even been getting as hungry lately nor snacking much between meals so, all-in-all, I've actually lost a few pounds and - more surprisingly - almost an inch off each thigh! Even my 'bubble-bum' (the long-term legacy of having been a figure-skater?) has shrunk a little, which wasn't necessarily my intention. At this point I haven't needed the bigger clothes, which is a pleasant contradiction to what I'd anticipated might happen, but I know it's still only early days so they're there in the closet if things change.
• Muscle aches: One thing I definitely noticed in the first couple of weeks of starting tamoxifen, was that my bum cheeks and legs felt really sore and achey; painful if I sat for long periods and painful during the night, as if the muscles were in a semi-cramp all the time. Although some joint/muscle ache is one of the usual side-effects of tamoxifen, specifically getting aches around the bum/thigh isn't very common. Maybe it was the increased cross-training, firming up muscles that hadn't previously been worked so hard - the same ones I re-discover whenever I go horseback riding. Either way it was bloody uncomfortable and annoying there for the first two weeks or so and regularly woke me up at night. I also had back-ache just on the right side, around/below my kidney (which has happened to a few people on this medication). Thanks to my wonderful - and downright hilarious - chiropractor, Dr. David Mallory, and a few cracking, crunching, twisting and squishing sessions, it has greatly improved and now feels fine. He also taught me a wonderful stretching exercise to target the painful bum muscles that seemed to be in spasm and it's worked a treat!
• Concentration/Memory: Darn, I've forgotten what I wanted to write here. What were we talking about? (Hardy-haaaa.) Actually, this is another area where I'm genuinely relieved since I actually feel a lot less foggy than I have in ages. I feel more awake, 'with-it' and connected, like I'm able to think more clearly, remember things, I'm getting more done and generally being more productive overall. Naturally some of that could be from not being stressed/tired from work etc. - this freelancing gig is very free-ing (so to speak) in that respect. Maybe also because the underlying worries and uncertainties I went through for most of last year have now lifted mostly from my shoulders. I'm not sure, but I'm very glad to feel this overall clarity, it's been gone far too long.
• Overall health: In all honesty I have to say, I feel great. Even though I've led a pretty healthy lifestyle and exercised regularly for years, I'm not sure when I really last felt quite so energized, fit and healthy. Naturally (thanks to that niggling little voice again) I'm expecting to break a leg or something anytime soon - surely something's going to kaibosh this fabulous sense of renouvellement.
• Negative effects?: The only negative effect I've felt thus far (aside from the achey-bum as per above) is that my right boob - the one they found the cancer in - has been quite swollen and tender the past couple of weeks, which might just be down to post-radiation rather than tamoxifen. It started just before Christmas as a regular part of my PMS but still seems to be somewhat swollen and visibly larger than my left boob. It doesn't feel particularly sore anywhere and, even though there's a slight pinkish tone to its lower half and underside, there's no specific sign of infection or anything. I'm not complaining about having a larger boob, I just wish the other side would catch up. My cleavage (minimal though it is) looks like I've stuffed a chicken fillet into just one side of my bra. Anyhow, after two weeks of swelling and no change I finally called my Oncologist (Dr. N.) a few days ago. He's not overly concerned and feels it's fairly common to notice such post-radiation changes in the boob and advised me to take anti-inflammatories 3x/day and go to see him if there's no improvement in 10 days. Unfortunately that will coincide with my next period, so it'll be even more swollen at that point, so I may have to see how things go for the next 15 days or so before deciding whether I should go back to see him.

During my Dec. 14th follow-up appointment with Dr N, we discussed how my first 4 weeks on Tamoxifen had been and how I was feeling overall. I was pleased to have him tell me, "Well, if you're doing ok after this first month, that's a very positive sign - you're obviously tolerating it very well and the exercise is going to help too." Wohoooo! Maybe I can fight off many of the common side-effects after all.

Of course one thing to note, having listed all of the above, is that I also switched my anti-depressants about 3 months ago, from Zoloft to Effexor, after reading several articles that zoloft and tamoxifen don't mix very well, since zoloft (as well as Paxil and Prozac) can inhibit the anti-estrogen effects of tamoxifien. My oncologist also confirmed this and had recommended I switch to Effexor instead (which I'd never heard of before) especially because it also helps with the hot flashes than can be a side-effect of tamoxifen.

So I'm guessing my current sense of wellbeing is likely aided, though not soley a result of, the change to Effexor, even though I'm taking the lowest dose of just 37.5mg/day (and even on Zoloft I took a baby dose of just 25mg every other day, somewhat sporadically at that).

It's odd for me to write about anti-depressants here, since I don't really tell anyone about it and its taken me years to even get comfortable with the whole idea myself. Partly down to that British stiff upper lip that, even when the going gets tough, you should just soldier on through it, silently and just "buck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself". Unfortunately, for those of us living with the legacy of seratonin issues and varying degrees of depression and/or seasonal affective disorder (SAD), we'd happily ignore the dark and overwhelming feelings that sometimes virtually suffocate us and simply 'snap out of it', if only it were that easy!

But that whole converstion will be in my next post. For now, I'd just like to say, I'm feeling FAB-u-lous and very glad to be able to say so!!!

New year, new do!

Day 7 of 2013 is almost done and I'm still feeling remarkably optimistic. Well, despite the fact I just heard our very good friends in Victoria, John & Debbie, have decided to call it quits (really sorry to hear that news) AND I dropped my much-loved ipod down the loo at the gym yesterday. Crap! (Well, not literally. As luck would have it the loo was freshly-flushed and I hadn't even used it yet. Sorry, too much information, I know.) Thankfully it survived, a little soggy but largely unscathed and I even got it working again only to drop it a second time shortly thereafter and watch in horror as the back smashed open and its guts spilled out onto the carpet. I LOVE my Ipod, it's perhaps my favourite tech gadget ever, and I'm already mourning its loss. It's presently sitting at home with the back off in hope the insides might completely dry out and, by some miracle, maybe it'll be revived...though I have my doubts and suspect it kenne tek na moore, Cap'n and has indeed gone to meet its maker. I know there's the Ipod feature built into my Iphone but it's just not the same, besides I've also lost all my playlists now :-( Bugger!!!!

Anyhooo, in other news, I haven't really made any resolutions for this year other than to stop procrastinating - hopefully I'll even get around to it before the year's out. I'm sure there are more plans I could/should come up with but I haven't really stopped and put my mind to it yet. Hmmm, need to think more on that one.

Mind you, I did already take advantage of the current promotion at Vancouver Photo Workshops' Open House event next weekend and have signed myself up for 3 seminars:

1. B&W Long Exposures
2. Speedlights
3. Creative Lighting

So I guess that's not a bad start.

Other than that, I decided - on Jan. 1st - to give myself a new do for the new year and tried my first ever Colora Henna Cream ($8.99). I've used their henna powder from time-to-time over the past 10 years but never the cream, since they don't do it in my favourite colour, Red Sunset, so I opted for (what I thought would be) a fairly close match, Auburn. While the cream is much less messy to use than the big globby cow-pat you get from the henna powder and doesn't smell as grassy, the colour I ended up with turned out darker than my natural colour and not really all that red. I had wanted something sassy to kick it up a notch but, while it looked ok, it wasn't quite what I'd hoped for and hadn't wanted to go darker. I also noticed that it felt drier and squeakier when I shampooed it whereas the powder product always makes my hair feel healthy and conditioned.

Sooo, last night, I decided to give it another go, this time using the powder, especially since I got my hair cut on Saturday with my long-time hairdresser, Martin.

Martin is a very easy-going and laid back guy who runs his own minimalist but funky salon - Red Square - tucked away on the 2nd floor of a fabulous old Vancouver insurance building downtown. He cuts my hair with effortless poise and great conversation, all for about 30% less than most other stylists. What's not to like?

In fact I've been seeing him, on and off (though mostly on) for almost 17 years, basically since first moving to Vancouver. I hate finding new hairdressers, it makes me so horribly nervous - moreso even than going to the dentist - so if I see someone with a great haircut, I'm never afraid to ask where they got it done - hence how I found Martin back in '96!

Even though I've cheated on him repeatedly over the years, in a rebellious attempt to try someone/somewhere new, I always, always go back and he's such a great guy, he graciously forgives my infidelities without ever bearing a grudge - which is a very good thing because the last thing you want is somebody who's pissed off with you going at your hair with a pair of scissors. (Though I recollect a few hairstyles in the past where you'd definitely suspect someone had been out for vengeance.)

I went in there armed with pictures showing exactly the way I wanted it layered so as to give it body without the bulk (my hair's sooo thick, it almost never holds a 'style'). Unfortunately the damp Vancouver weather pretty much turned it into a haystack before I even got home but, having had chance to style it myself since then, I'm really pleased with what he did. Yay, go Martin!

Next step, I wanted to put back the sassy into the colour as well, to liven it up a bit more. Returning somewhat reluctantly to the idea of using the powdered henna ($7.99), I shuffled off to Whole Foods to pick up a box of Colora's "Red Sunset".

Personally, I'm always 50-50 about whether to colour my hair mainly because I have literally had people and hairdressers in the past convinced I must have coloured my hair even though I never, ever had. Not to sound conceited but I like my natural colour, it's a chestnut brown with red highlights that sometimes go blonder in summer. As a kid I was sometimes nicknamed 'Ginger' at school because it was a much stronger red (just like the Milkman, we always said...which is a whole other story in itself but I'll save that gem for another time). So there have always been red tones and highlights, albeit some some of those highlights seem to include a little more grey the past couple of years - eeek! Heck, when I worked in the Maldive Islands my hair actually turned completely blonde from the sun, to the extent people asked if I'd dyed my hair or my eyebrows! Pah.

So I was about 30 before I first ever tried colouring my hair and the only reason I did that was because I was trying to grow it longer. To avoid the boredom of waiting for it to grow, I decided to change up the colour instead. Unfortunately it backfired. The colour was OK but I used regular colour products that were heavy on ammonia and they basically destroyed my hair, to the point I had to get a fair amount cut off again. Doh!

Anyhow, I digress. Truth be told, using a henna powder is a messy, sloppy and muddy affair, that leaves your hair smelling like spinach for the next 2-3 days, however it's also a wonderfully natural product, full of herby, planty, earthy goodness and, more importantly, it's not tested on animals and contains no animal bi-products. Perfect for this vegetarian and environmentalist. It doesn't actually change your hair colour but rather paints a thin layer of colour over each strand that enhances the richness of colour and still allows your natural highlights to show through. What's more, it makes your hair feel great afterwards - smooth, rich and fabulous - and washes out slowly over a period of several months, sparing you the two-tone effect of old versus new growth. Well, it seems that way for me but maybe that's because I use a colour that's already pretty close to the natural red tones in my hair. A hairdresser once advised me against using henna because it coats rather than structurally alters your hair which (allegedly) blocks the absorption of colour if you later choose to get your colour done at a hair salon. You'd have to wait at least 6 months for the henna 'coating' to wear off. But since I'm way too thrifty to be spending $200 on getting my hair coloured at a salon, I'll stick with all that I love about my ($7.99) henna, thanks.

Finally. a smoother, soupier mix
rather than the usual lumpy cow-pat.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised that the henna I used last night seemed to be a much more refined powder than it has been in the past, far less of a lumpy, grassy, cow-pooh type texture, and thus went on relatively easily with a lot less mess than usual. They suggest keeping it on for an hour but I always go a little longer, mainly because my hair's longer and really quite thick, so I went 75mins but could probably still have gone another 10-15. That said, I'm thrilled with the result (I guess I should post a photo). It's definitely redder than the last one though perhaps still more auburn than copper but I really quite like it all the same.

So I came into work today feeling like I had a whole new do.....and no-one has said a word. Nothing. I'm never sure what to make of that. Same as when you've had your haircut and no-one comments or else simply states, "Oh, you got your hair cut" and leaves it at that. You're left hanging for the rest. And? Do you mean....'and it looks hideous'? Do you mean....'and it looks great'??? What????

But one thing I know about the place where I work (and what pissed me off working there before) is that nobody ever really says much of anything. Ever. Heck, I've learned to be grateful if I get so much as a grunt or minimal eye-contact after saying 'Good morning'.

So stuff them, I think the colour has some pzazz and the cut is awesome (even though I hate that word), and that's all that matters! Ahh, the empowerment of being in your 40's and no longer giving a sh*t what people think! Or maybe it's the fiery redhead in me fighting back? ;-)

Eat, Drink and Merry Ho, Ho, Ho!

Because nothing says Christmas like fleecy
HoHoHo's and massive Rudolph slippers

Wow that was fast. Another Christmas done and dismantled piece-by-piece and packed away for the next 49 weeks. I swear it zooms by faster each year. No sooner do you take a moment to come up for air, scoff your first mince pie and savour the satisfaction of wrapping that last gift when... WHOOOOOSH.....the shreds of paper, boxes and tags are already out by the kerb, neglected and rained on, pending the city recycling truck. A few drinks and a burbling of Auld Lang Syne in-between and SLAM....you're back at your desk where jingle bells is quickly replaced by the sedentary and somewhat melancholy keystrokes of catching up on emails. Yup, that's all folks! Nothing more to see here.

Despite the fact it seemed to come and go in a blur of baubles, eggnogg and Quality Street, we had quite a lovely Christmas and a largely uneventful New Year with family, friends, felines and the love of too much eating, drinking and general merriment. We always say we shouldn't go so crazy on the chocolate treats and delicious nibbles (that we deny ourselves all year) and yet....miraculously...we nevertheless seem to end up with way too much. Then we proceed to kid ourselves with that ol' chestnut "We'll never eat all this, you know", or "Let's just save the extra cookies and Ferrero Rocher", but where there's a gob there's a way and it all manages to disappear before too long, somehow.

It was on Christmas Eve 2002 that Lorne completely surprised me by passing an early gift across the table just before dessert at Raincity Grill. A diamond ring was literally not what I was expecting to find in there and, after several flabbergasted, wide-eyed and red-cheeked "Oh my God"s I said "Yes" and so began what has been a further 10 wonderful years. We usually sort of celebrate it in some small way each year, especially being Christmas Eve n'all, and a couple of years ago Lorne booked us a surprise stay at the lovely Hotel Le Soleil in downtown Vancouver (the same hotel we stayed at on our wedding night in 2004). It was such a charming, pre-Christmas treat, going for dinner and feeling so wonderfully spoiled, that this year I decided to do the same (amen to having had a few weeks' work before Christmas.)

As luck would have it, the Sutton Place Hotel emailed me a last-minute deal that I couldn't resist so I booked us for Dec. 22nd where we enjoyed a fancy-pants room, a quick swim down in the spa pool, a stint in the hottub and a cheeky cocktail before heading out to a delicious dinner at Cin Cin's restaurant on Robson Street (thanks Lorne). From start to finish it was such a nice evening, a perfect date night and there's a lot to be said for an overnight getaway, even when it's virtually on your own doorstep. 

As for the remaining blur of the holidays:

• We stayed home Christmas Eve (watching Bad Santa - the caustic, crude but very funny antithesis of your average Christmas movies)
• Apparently I was really good this past year because Santa generously left a sleek and sexy Nikon 55-300mm VR zoom lens under the tree for me. Wohooo, nice one 'Santy Claus'! I've been wanting one for a couple of years (it's all about the Vibration Reduction when it comes to a good zoom lens and my current Sigma lens is driving me crazy) but I know they're not cheap (and we set ourselves a $ limit this year) so I kept it as my secret wish for if/when I get enough cash but never put it on my list. So don't be fooled by that fluffy red suit and jolly ol' laugh - Mister Santa has his finger firmly on the pulse and he really does know just what you're thinking. Guess I'd better get out there and start snapping some well-focussed shots, stat! (If ever the rain stops!)
• Call us saddoes but Lorne and I quite enjoyed tormenting the cats with their gifts (spritzed with catnip beforehand, of course) and, for perhaps the first time ever, even Mishka came and sat by the tree with us and started rummaging for her own gifts. Those two crazy boys, Mel and Louis, were all excited and we're constantly amazed at just how much they've managed to draw Mishka out of her former reclusive and indifferent self. It was all very endearing.
• We held Christmas dinner at our place this year for which Lorne made a scrumptious veggie meat pie/tortiere and Vicky, River and Bronwyn all came over as well as Lorne's good friend Steve, whose family lives out of town. It was great to hold it at our place (since it also meant we could slip extra Bailey's into our morning coffee) and everyone had fun pulling crackers, sharing the terrible jokes, the mandatory wearing of tissue-paper crowns and (unbeknown to River) Bronwyn secretly scooped up the lion's share of the cracker toys. I suspect a little double-fisted cheating was involved.
• Once again Vicky and the kids gave us such thoughtful gifts, including the hand crafted and creatively iced Christmas cookies (per photo). And we love spoiling them at Christmas too, especially since Bronnie and River don't really have any/many other relatives here plus they've all had such a crappy last several months, what with one thing and another. So all-in-all, Christmas Day was a blast!



Bronwyn was so meticulous in icing gingerbread

cookies for me and Lorne. As you can see, there aren't

many left.

• On Boxing Day we dropped by to see our friends Steve & Heidi and their two girls (Charlee & Andi). It was a festive open house thing and there were many people there we'd never met before, folks that they know through their daughters' school etc. The kids wanted to play Dance Dance Revolution on the Wii, which, as far as I could tell, seems to involve them dancing like little hookers to cheesy pop songs, definitely not my thing and, if I had daughters, I'm not so sure I'd want them playing it either. They were obviously having fun, and I'm a very open-minded person, but the idea is to copy the dance movements of a young female character on screen, who's twisting, gyrating and strutting her stuff like they would at any regular peeler bar. Talk about early and detrimental stereo-typing, especially since it's aimed at kids. Maybe I'm just a no-fun feminist who prefers to the lesser known Indie bands on KEXP as opposed to the nauseating mainstream pulp churned out on local radio. Then so be it. We still had a nice time but group dancing games and anything remotely Karaoke just aren't my thing.
• Dec 28/29 Lorne and I made our usual pilgrimmage over to Victoria to visit our good friends John, Mike and Debbie with the added bonus that Vicky came with us too this time. With Mark having the kids for a few days and Vicky mentioning she wouldn't mind getting out of town for a change of scenery, it worked out perfectly and I'm so glad she came. It's always a relaxing time at John & Debbie's and this time was no exception - too much food 'n' booze and the pre-requisite screening of an old movie while enjoying a tasty cuban cigar in John's 'man cave'. It was the first time I'd actually seen Hitchcock's 'The Birds' from start to finish and I'm wondering where I can get that flattering soft-focus look that Tippi Hedren pulls off so flawlessly. Lorne says it's vaseline smeared on the camera lens.....darn, how do I convince people to rub vaseline across their eyeballs just so I'll look more glamorous?
• John cooked a delicious dinner that night and Mike came over too, I just hope he didn't think we were trying to set him up with Vicky just because they're both now single.....but hey, he's a nice guy and she's fabulous, so you never know - but I can honestly say it wasn't our intention to try. I don't do that matchmaking thaaang, mainly because I had too many 'friends' try it on me during my years of singledom and politely resented that awkwardness of being the single person so carefully placed next to the only other single person, while everyone 'casually' looks on, like avid bird-watchers, waiting to see if we'd start puffing feathers and bobbing our heads in mutual attraction. 
• Next morning (Dec. 29) we drove out to Saanich to an old-school local diner where it was a cheap thrill to be mid-40's and still the youngest people in the room. Saanich is unmistakably a retirement community. If Victoria is the city people retire to, then Saanich is where the Victoria retirees go to retire. Us "young'uns" are few and far between and I suspect the local version of road-racing involves mobility scooters and zimmer frames. So if ever you're feeling old, spend the day in Saanich, it's like drinking from the Fountain of Youth. Not that I have anything against seniors, far from it. In fact a big part of noticing was because Vancouver's become such a young & hip city that you don't really see so many seniors these days and I really miss that. And if they're all moving to Saanich then I have to say it'd be the perfect retirement community, everyone and everything is so close by. And, for the record, I actually love those very-american old-school diners too. They're a rare breed in Vancouver these days, having mostly been ripped out or demolished only to be replaced by a high-end 'boutique' clothing store or a souless and generic sports bar boasting 16 big-screen TVs and zero character.
• On New Year's Eve we just stayed home, as did most people I know, mainly because we're all still grounded from public merriment in the nanny state of Vancouver plus anyone who ventures out is obliged to pay some silly New Year's "Party" entry fee to get into even the cheesiest of bars and then faces a long walk home because cab drivers refuse to do short (cheaper) runs. Us adults aren't permitted any public merriment here since the Stanley Cup riots in 2011 and it took 17 years for them to ease up on that, after the same thing happened in 1994. At this rate the next hope of participating in any public New Years celebrations in the self-proclaimed 'best city on Earth' will be in 2028 soonest, by which time we'll have all retired to Saanich! So Lorne and I stayed home with the kitties, ate pretty much the rest of the Christmas leftovers and,watched the repeat of New Years' countdown celebrations from NY and Toronto that had already been and gone 3 hours earlier.

And then it was January 2nd and back to work.

So much for my 'concise' summary of the Christmas holidays (sorry, I just can't resist throwing out the word 'Christmas' - instead of 'holidays' or 'festive break' - just to piss people off.)

Well, here's to a Happy New Year! May it rain utter fabulousness on us all!